Steve Holland is a new Campaign Maker with the STOP Suicide campaign. Now he is in a better place, he is helping to tackle the stigma around suicide by sharing his own powerful experiences, recently via radio, and through a poem he wrote:
What do you see when you look at me?
A poem about depression!
Happy, playful, joyful and strong.
A relationship filled with love, adoration laughter and fun.
A job that is sturdy, pays well, that I like.
My life is secure, plain sailing and calm, YEA RIGHT!
On the outside I am everything you want in a son, in a dad or a brother, a husband and a friend, but behind closed doors, when the cameras are off, I crumble down and yea I cry. Every day is a war, every thought a bullet. You need to save yourself, hide and find cover. You’re watching your world fall apart all around you but you know you can stop it, you’re up for the fight. You’re strong, you are normal, you know you’re alright. YEA RIGHT!
Your friends all around you, family, your mother and your lover. All doing their best to make sure you don’t suffer. You know they are there, you know what they want, you want it too… they know that you do.
Depression’s a thief. It takes all you hold dear. All you can do is watch, but you’re nowhere near. The more people help, the more you push away. You won’t be happy until your final day.
You try to explain that you’re alive but you’re dead, you’re alright in your body but your screwed up in the head. You remember your life how it used to be, you know you are good, it is plain for all to see.
Here I am in hospital, I can’t go on anymore, I have no fight left, I have lost my war. The me you remember is well and truly gone. I am no longer that person, I’m selfish I don’t care. All that I want is the depression to not be there.
I have lost everything now, all that I love. A mistake, a desperate action without a thought. I wish that I hadn’t of course, I do, but pick up the pieces is all I can do. I have to start over without my rock. Who can blame them, I’ve been a massive c**k.
I wish I had cancer, a tumor, or worse. At least then you would see I’m ill but I’m me. A man called Steve. A job, a good life but the only thing I want is my kids and my wife. I must keep on fighting, it’s a war I can’t win. I will do it. I have to for everyone who has tried to help me.
Their efforts were not in vain. I went too far but I hope that in time, you can all find it in your heart to love me again. I’m Steve. I am not that person you know now, I’m ill.